July 18, 2012

Quit Fitting In. Start Standing Out.

by Amy Pearson

No matter what you do, not everyone is going to like you.

My mom used to tell me this. And even though it was, well, kind of bad news, I found it oddly comforting.

Nowadays I share a variation of it with my own clients. I call it the one-thirds rule of tribes. My math might not be spot on but it goes something like this:

  • A third of people out there will never really like you,
  • Another third can take you or leave you,
  • And another third will love you.

The final third is your tribe.

We All Want to Find Our Tribe

We live for tribes, to feel that sense of belonging. And as overachieving women, we want The Entire Known Universe to like us, dammit!

<p >Feeling “part of” is part of our biological blueprint. In fact the brain registers physical pain and social pain in the same way. It literally hurts to be left out.

How long have YOU been trying to win over people who will never really like you and/or who can take you or leave you?

Instead of wearing your favorite purple cowboy boots, you opt for black flats. Instead of a quiet evening at home, you tell your friend, “yes I’d love to babysit your sick ferret.” When you’re mother-in-law asks what you’re reading, you’d rather die than tell her you are currently devouring 50 Shades of Grey.

In essence, you water yourself down. You stay quiet. You say yes when you’d rather say no.

All to make a good impression, to be liked, to avoid conflict. But here’s the thing, it won’t help you find your tribe.

How I Tried to Fit In

I used to obsess over my weight. I collected degrees, credentials, rewards… any kind of gold star.


I thought my exterior would help me find my tribe. If I looked good, if I dressed right, if I had the degrees, the awards, the guy, the house, the kids, I would be okay. People would gaze adoringly as I passed by. They’d whisper, “That’s Amy Pearson. Did you know she won the Nobel Peace Prize? How does she do all that and stay so thin…?!”

But that wasn’t me.

The real me is NOT perfect. She loves to dance in hammer pants. She laughs so hard it makes her pee. She loves reality TV, astrology, and surfing in Hawaii.

How to Be Absolutely Magnetic to Your Tribe

The tragedy is we hide our real selves in order to win over a group of people who will never really like us or appreciate us. We change so dramatically from Who We Really Are that we alienate our true tribe. We become unrecognizable to them.

The truth is that the person underneath that elaborate façade you’ve created is fascinating.

She ain’t perfect. (Psst… Perfect doesn’t even exist and, besides, it’s really boring.)

She may not be likable to some (hell she might even piss them off) but she will be absolutely magnetic to her tribe.

So just be you. Purple boots and all. Your tribe will thank you.

What are 5 ways you can start attracting your tribe right now by just being you? Post a comment below. I love that!

Click here  to learn more about Amy and sign up for her free e-course called “I Don’t Need Your Approval! How to Overcome Your Inner Approval Addict.

<p > <p >Amy PearsonAmy Pearson is a Master Martha Beck Life Coach at Bloom Life Design and Coach Instructor for Martha Beck Inc. Her mission is to help women lead their lives from self-love and confidence so they can play big in the world.



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