Welcome to the Rich Coach Club, the podcast that teaches you how to build your dream coaching practice and how to significantly increase your income. If you're a coach and you're determined to start making more money, this show is for you. I'm Master Certified Life Coach Susan Hyatt, and I'm psyched for you to join me on this journey.
Okay, coaches. How do you want to be remembered? What kinds of stories will your grandchildren tell about you? How will you leave the world in better condition than you found it? And are you making your ancestors proud? Oh yes, we are getting into some big, big questions today.
We all have a legacy to build, so what’s yours? By the end of this episode, my goal is that you will be crying, in a good way. You will feel on fire, ready to stop shying away from your legacy, and really claim it and make it happen. No more playing small. This is your one and only life and I know you are not here to waste time.
You’re here to use your life to the fullest. You’re here to change lives. You’re here to leave an impact. That’s why you became a coach. You want to create a ripple effect that touches many lives, now and even after you’re gone. We’ve got some big things to discuss. Let’s talk about your coaching legacy. Here we go.
When I say legacy. What does this word mean? Here’s how I define it. Your legacy is the contribution you make to the world; a contribution that people can still feel after you’re gone? So, if you’re a schoolteacher, your legacy might be the fact that you taught over 10,000 kids how to read and write over the course of your career. You educated 10,000 kids. That’s an incredible legacy.
If you’re a parent, your legacy might be the fact that you raised three amazing humans who are kind, thoughtful, and generous. That’s a wonderful legacy to leave behind. And for people like us, for professional coaches, your legacy might be you coached 1000 couples over the course of your career and you helped those people to avoid an unnecessary divorce, stay together, and feel happier than ever. Whoa, what an incredible legacy.
Or, as a coach, your legacy might be you inspired 1000 women to stop dieting, stop starving themselves, stop hating their bodies, and learn how to love themselves. Or, as a coach, your legacy might be you motivated 100 people to launch a business and you helped those people grow their income to six figures and beyond. Amazing.
When it comes to your coaching practice, what do you want your legacy to be? If you’re not totally sure, here’s a question to help you figure it out. If someone was giving a speech at your funeral or memorial service, talking about your life, what would you want them to say about you?
What would you want them to say? “She was a firecracker who always spoke her mind. She stood up to bullies. She fought to protect vulnerable people. She helped thousands of girls get into college. She was a bright light in our community and proved that you can be incredibly kind and incredibly successful.”
Make a list of things you would want people to say about you. This provides a lot of clarity about what you want your coaching legacy to be. And if you’re still not sure what you want your legacy to be, try using the following statement and fill in the blanks, “Before I die, I want to help blank people to blank. Before I die, I want to help blank people to blank.”
For instance, before I die, I want to help 10,000 teenage girls to build confidence and self-esteem and feel unstoppable. Okay, if that’s the legacy you’re aiming to build, great. You’re clear. And now you can roll up your sleeves and get to work.
Through your newsletter, your podcast, your coaching programs, the books you write, through all the things you offer, everything can be focused on building this legacy. And when it comes to choosing your legacy, I love putting a number on it, like 100 couples or 1000 girls or $10 million. Because now your legacy is specific instead of vague. You can actually measure whether you’re successfully building your legacy or not because you can track the numbers each year.
Okay, so I want to give you a couple of examples of coaches who are building amazing legacies as we speak. So, first we have Elizabeth McNeil. So, Elizabeth is one of my Bold facilitators. We just completed training. She is so on fire, like I am, to help girls increase confidence, love the skin they’re in, and go after whatever goals they want.
So, my Bold program is for girls ages eight to really 15. I’m almost finished with the Bold book. And there’s going to be a Bold deck. And I think, in a couple of weeks, we have a Bold Girl magazine coming out. But Elizabeth is just a bright light in the world, and she is ready to help girls increase and boost confidence. I mean, what an amazing legacy to leave.
And then we have Sarah Kennedy. So, I had to mention Sarah because she is so on fire. Her business is all about helping parents move from shame and hiding to acceptance and thriving. So, if you’re the parent of an LGBTQ child and you don’t know how to navigate resources, emotions, what your family is going through, she helps parents do that. I mean, hello, amazing legacies.
They’re both building their websites, building their companies, reaching out to people on social media, spreading the word that they are available to help solve these problems. We all have a legacy to leave, so choose yours and build it. Pep-talk complete.
Hey, hey, now we’re moving into the part of the show where I give shoutouts. I read reviews from nice people like you who took the time to leave me a review on Apple Podcasts or Stitcher or Spotify or social media. And today, I want to give a shoutout to Sarah Yost.
So, I’ve known Sarah for years, since she first became a coach. And I’m so flattered that she listens to the podcast. Sarah left a five-star Apple review and she says, “Fantastic mix of inspo’, motivation, and value. Susan Hyatt is the real deal. If you want to build a bomb coaching practice on your own terms that makes bank, follow her directions.”
Sarah, thank you. And hey. If you have something to say about this show, send an email to my team, firstname.lastname@example.org, or post a five-star review. Let us know what you think about this show and you might hear your name on a future episode. Thank you so much for the love and I love you right back.
Today’s guest I’m so excited about. She is definitely a woman who is building an extraordinary legacy. She’s an author and a psychologist. And one thing that’s really interesting about her business is that she’s written a whole book about something that I talk about all the time, but she has coined it Patriarchy Stress Disorder.
Dr. Valerie Rein’s bestselling book Patriarchy Stress Disorder: The Invisible Inner Barrier to Women’s Happiness and Fulfilment has cutting edge mind, body, healing programs that have helped thousands of women ditch the game of survival of, “How much can I bear?” and master the game of thriving of, “How good can it get?” What? I cannot wait to dive into this interview.
Susan: Welcome, Dr. Valerie, to Rich Coach Club.
Valerie: So happy to be here, Susan. Thank you for having me.
Susan: So, of course, I am having you because you’ve written what I think is one of the most important books for women to read. Hello, miss smarty pants with a Ph.D. writing about Patriarchy Stress Disorder.
Valerie: Well when you put it that way…
Susan: Listen, I am obsessed with this because my audience knows, people listening know, I talk a lot about the invisible workload of women. And you have basically coined a disorder that I think my listenership is going to take a deep exhale when they learn more about it, if they don’t already know. So, what is Patriarchy Stress Disorder?
Valerie: It’s intergenerational and collective trauma of oppression that lives in our DNA. It’s transmitted from generation to generation through genetic expression. We have science on our side showing us, finally giving us the answer to the age-old question every woman has asked herself more than once, “What’s wrong with me?”
And the answer is, nothing. There is nothing wrong with us. And because we have this trauma that we have inherited, the trauma of women not owning our own bodies, not having access to money, not being able to express our brilliance, our sexuality, our authenticity in any way for millennia. We carry it in our systems, we carry it the nervous system, in the subconscious. And that is what I have described as PSD creates the invisible inner barrier to women’s happiness and fulfillment.
Susan: Okay, so this is so fascinating to me that it is passed down in our DNA. And so, can you describe, from your own experience, what some of the symptoms were that you experienced yourself that led you to coining this phrase?
Valerie: It started when I was a little girl trying to answer the question, “What’s wrong with me?” Don’t be so smart. People don’t like that. No one will want to marry you. Don’t eat that, you’ll get fat. You look good, meaning you lost weight, or nothing, meaning you didn’t lose weight. Don’t wear this, you look slutty. Don’t wear that, you look like a nun.
And so, my whole life, I was so aware, as probably every woman listening can relate to, that I had to walk this fine line. And if I stepped outside of it, something was wrong with me. And, of course, it led me to study psychology. What else would I study to figure out the answer to that question?
And after two graduate degrees, I was living my dream life. I had my thriving private practice in New York. I had a family and home I adored. And one day, I was on the phone with a client when I noticed I was smiling only with the right side of my face. And the left side of my face just hung in there, as did my left arm.
And I ended up in the ER with symptoms of a stroke, which thankfully turned out to be, quote unquote, just stress. Which relieved me and puzzled me to know, because I actually did not feel stressed. I was living my dream life. And if you had asked me, Susan, “Valerie, are you happy?” I would have said, “Absolutely. I have everything I ever wanted.”
But when I was lying on that hospital bed and had time to think and had time to myself for the first time in many years, being a mom and a professional and all that, I began to realize that underneath that busyness and that stress, the question was still alive and well, the question of what’s wrong with me.
And it was a despairing moment because I had checked off all the boxes, not only achievement but also how I was trying to, quote unquote, fix myself. I had been in therapy for years, read every self-help book I could get my hands on, et cetera, et cetera. So, I really didn’t know what else to do.
And thankfully, I had my clients to look to for hope. Because they were actually shifting out of this stuckness and unfolding in their authenticity and bravery and showing up authentically and improving their love lives and money flow and everything. But I was still stuck. So, what was I doing for them that I wasn’t doing for me?
And the answer was, with all of my clients, I was helping them heal trauma using mind-body tools. Although, most of my clients didn’t have anything they would describe as traumatic. They would say normal childhood, normal life. However, they all carried this telltale symptom of trauma, which is disconnection from parts of themselves, from parts of their authenticity, from parts of their bodies, from their desires, from the life that actually would be authentic and happy and fulfilled.
And my disconnection was screaming in my face with the whole left side of my body shutting down for me to see it. Because ironically, of course, I didn’t think I had trauma. And that led me to really get curious about could there be some type of trauma that we all share but we are not even talking about? And at that time, research was coming out in epigenetics showing that traumatic experiences are genetically transmitted.
And that was my light bulb moment, connecting the fact that women have been oppressed for thousands of years. Oppression is traumatic. Trauma is genetically transmitted, and we all carry very similar symptoms, if you will, of the inner critic, how hard we are on ourselves. And as you know so well from your work, looking in the mirror and hating what you see.
And it’s not us. It’s not us. There’s nothing wrong with us. It’s this trauma that has disconnected us from our authenticity, from our power. Because a woman’s power has always been a punishable offense. Women who even dreamed of expressing their sexuality or their gifts in the world, they were burned at the stake. They were punished severely.
And that’s what our nervous systems know and our subconscious knows, even if our conscious mind goes, “You go, girl, you can do it,” our subconscious will find a way to hold us back. And it’s not our fault. It’s this trauma keeping us safe, and we can do something about it now.
Susan: Oh my god, this resonates so deeply. And I can’t remember which book I read or where the phrase came from, but it can be referred to as the witch wound, what you’re describing, you know, women have been punished since the beginning of time for being powerful in different ways. And in the work that I do with BARE, it always blows everyone’s minds when I start talking about the history of dieting and that diets were actually created in the US by a Presbyterian minister who was out to control a woman’s energy and morality. So, it was never about health.
And in every realm, whether it was religion or health or politics or family, we have been traumatized and we have been punished for speaking up. And so, of course, as you’re saying there, you have proven that it’s in our DNA. And so, most of the, if not all of the women listening to this podcast, are building business and are experiencing what you’ve described as the common, “Am I good enough? What’s wrong with me?” or imposter syndrome. And all of those things that you’re saying, like, “Hey, that’s actually not you.” It’s not us. What are the things that you have noticed work best to heal this kind of trauma?
Valerie: Thank you for speaking to all these wonderful, wonderful that we experience on our entrepreneurial journeys; upper limit problem falls into the same category. It’s also not personal. And so, collective trauma requires collective healing. There is a lot that we can start becoming aware of and shifting, such as what we are doing right now, having this conversation.
A quote that I start my book with goes, “When we see the invisible, we can do the impossible.” And that’s where it begins; naming things, seeing things differently, not as we’re broken or I’m getting in my own way, I’m holding myself back, but okay, there is trauma to be healed.
And then, in my book, I have put together my over 20 years of this search, my own journey, working with clients and distilled the most effective tools and the trajectory of this healing into a five-step system that I call a jailbreak system. I refer to PSD as the invisible inner prison. There are also resources on my website that can help one begin her healing journey, some downloadable tools.
So, there are things absolutely that we can start on our own, start experiencing that. An event that we offer every season where women gather to share this experience and play with the tools and actually start experiencing what it feels like in the body, that shift from living in survival to tasting thriving. I call it the shift from the game of how much can I bear, to a different bear, to how good can it get?
And that’s when we also begin to experience the power of the collective. To heal trauma, to go deeper into these layers, we need to establish a safe container. And it can be one qualified person holding this space for you. Not in talk therapy, because talk therapy doesn’t heal embodies trauma. It has to be somebody who is qualified and working with mind and body together, somatic energy, all sorts of trauma healing work. And it can be a community who are all on this healing journey together.
Because when we plug into another nervous system that’s well-regulated, or better yet, a whole community on this journey where we’re regulating our nervous systems and creating this – it’s like plugging into a mainframe from a little laptop. Boom, the capacity expands, and we have the courage and the power and capacity to go in and heal. It’s just not possible in isolation.
And isolation is such a myth anyway that’s designed by patriarchy to divide and conquer, to keep us from achieving and fully expressing ourselves because there’s only so much we can do going alone. And this myth is so perpetrated in the myth of the strong woman, you’re a strong woman. And there are so many strong women suffering from adrenal fatigue and burnout.
It’s time to start calling this out and recognizing, yeah, collective trauma, collective healing, let’s come together and start having these conversations, and then go deeper into using the tools that work with the mind and the body together, that get into the subconscious, that get into the body and the nervous system and actually retrain the nervous system from staying in survival to allowing us to thrive.
Susan: Yes, I mean, this is so juicy. So, I love the visual of going from plugging into a laptop to plugging into the mainframe and what’s possible if we plug into the mainframe. And in terms of what it feels like in the body to heal this trauma. So, you went into the ER, you weren’t even conscious about being stressed. You were living your dream life. You have these stroke-like symptoms. What happened for you next? How long did it take you to heal? And what do you notice inside your body and what’s happening in your life that’s different today?
Valerie: Oh, what isn’t different? It’s been such a powerful domino effect. And it started with this very rapturous moment of, “Oh shit, what do I do now?” And then, once this trauma healing came into view, I’m like, “Okay, let me start playing with those tools.” And the thing about healing trauma is that it goes in layers. And with each layer we heal – and to heal one layer can take a few minutes to a few hours, to a few days, to a few seconds. It can go really fast.
And with each layer we heal, we open up a new layer of possibility and new level of freedom, a new level of love for our body, the ability to make money and grow wealth and be deeply intimately connected with others, vulnerability, all that good stuff.
So, my shifts have ranged from – well, to start with, my big shift when I first experienced these trauma healing tools, I went on a retreat with somebody who is a good friend now, Amy Weintraub, who wrote the book Yoga for Depression and Anxiety. And I went on this retreat as a professional. I didn’t even think I would be getting what I got out of it.
What happened was that my body released trauma during the experience that she facilitated in the safe container of a group. The trauma that I didn’t even know I held, I didn’t even know the story about the trauma, but the release was so visceral, so physical, so powerful.
So, I came back. And at the time, I still worked at a university. And that was a dream job, again, one of those. I didn’t think I would ever leave, but my boss was emotionally abusive. And up until the retreat, I would just sit there and every time she would unleash her emotional abuse, I would just shrink down and either just grin and bear it or cry or just be stoic. But I would go into fight, flight, freeze basically.
I came back, she called me to her office, unleashed, as per usual, and this time I was in such a different place. I didn’t go into fight, flight, freeze. I just sat there, like, this isn’t right, what’s going on? I was totally composed. And then I got up, I put my hand on the door handle, opened the door, walked out, closed the door behind me, went to my office, packed my stuff, emailed HR, and I left. I left my dream job…
Susan: Oh my god, I love it.
Valerie: Yeah, goosebumps. And that’s the power of trauma healing. You get off autopilot and living the life that somebody else decided is yours and you’re like, “No.” And I didn’t even have a plan for what I was going to do, but everything unfolded so beautifully. And things unfolded in my personal life too.
I actually came a decision that embodied realization that I wasn’t happy and fulfilled in my marriage also. We had been in a marriage that was not working. And we were great friends. We were very connected. My mind was full of stories. But once my body got in touch with her yearning for joy, pleasure, fulfillment, there was no going back.
And we had this conversation and we went very peaceful about the separation. And then, the most amazing partner came into my life who is my life partner now, Geoffrey. And we actually, we work together too because he’s also a trauma healing practitioner. And the way he came into my life was also very, I want to say miraculous. It also started with trauma healing tools.
I got in touch with what I was tolerating and then I wrote out an inspired list of what I desired in a partner. And that list, Susan was so – ambitious doesn’t begin to cover it. It was just like, oh my gosh, when my mind read the list, my mind went, “Are you kidding me? Are you kidding me? This doesn’t exist. And if it does, you’re a 40-year-old single mom, okay, like hot stuff, get over yourself, that’s not going to happen.” All the PSD talk.
But thankfully, there was another part of me that was healing from trauma that went, “I don’t care if it doesn’t exist. I’m not going to accept anything else. So, anything else need not apply.” And then, within weeks, this man comes into my life. We were actually in a mastermind together. And I wasn’t putting myself out there, quote unquote, wasn’t dating, didn’t even think I was ready for a relationship. He didn’t think he was ready for a relationship.
Our first conversation, once we realized we were attracted to each other, was, like, “Look, I have a kid, I have a kid…” he also came with a kid. And now we’re a blended family, “I’m building a business, I’m building a business. We have no time and no space for a relationship.” And that resolution lasted about a day and a half and now it’s more than three years later and it just keeps on growing and keeps on giving. And we’re both working on deeper layers of trauma healing in our own lives.
Thankfully, we can support each other because we’ve got the tools, but it keeps unfolding into the most powerful relationship experience that feels more and more authentic…
Susan: That’s beautiful.
Valerie: Thank you.
Susan: So, I am curious. I’m guessing that people listening are wondering -plenty of them are going to say, I already know I’m stressed out.” And then there are people that may be like you, that on the surface are like, “I’m fine. I’m fine.”
Valerie: Strong women.
Susan: Strong women, powering through, as they do. So, are some of the things that Rich Coach Club listeners could be eavesdropping on themselves about or watching themselves about are, I’m guessing, things related to time, things related to money?
Valerie: Yes, I love eavesdropping on yourself. Yes, look at your schedule. That’s a good place to start. And that can be really confronting, if you’re honest with yourself. Just keep on asking yourself, what am I tolerating? How would I design my ideal day? And watch the resistance come up and tell your stories. What ideal day? There’s shit that needs to be done. And just watch that all come up.
Where is pleasure in your day? How much of what’s on your schedule, what you’re doing daily, are you deeply enjoying in your body, that turns you on? Where is that? And as women, again, it’s not you, it’s PSD. Remember, women did not own their own bodies, their own lives let alone their time, and always worked for free, in the patriarchy that’s built and sustained by free women’s free labor.
So, look at the schedule and see the reflection of patriarchy in your schedule, how we are oppressing ourselves, even when we exit its corporate structures, looking for that freedom. And then we’re recreating oppressive structures in our own lives, in our own schedules. And it has been very confronting for me to start unpacking that. What I see in myself and what I see in my clients too, when we shift from this survival in the business mentality to allowing and creating space for play and pleasure, magic flows, opportunities open up that we couldn’t even have worked hard enough to ever create magic. We just need to make space for that.
This woman shared this story at my book launch virtual party. It’s still on my Facebook page, her story. She is a seven-figure business owner, great business, great team, wonderful daughters. And she’s just the kind of woman you want to hang out with. She’s so awesome.
And when she picked up the book, she didn’t exactly think that it applied to her. She’s a curious person. And when she got into the book, she was like, “Oh my gosh I realized that I was actually living in survival.” Okay, so a different view on survival. She had plenty of money, plenty of doing the work she loved, et cetera, a lot of fulfilling things in her life. But she recognized that survival energy in everything that she was doing. And what it allowed her to do, she started asking herself the question I ask in the book, how good can it get?
And she started writing it out everywhere while doing embodied trauma healing work. She started bringing it into her team meetings, writing it on the board. And everything started shifting; how she runs her business, how they show up, her team, her clients, everything started unfolding with more ease, joy, and money. And she was able to open up to love; something that she realized had been so confronting and unsafe for her. But doing this work, shew as able to let in the most amazing relationship and just have more joy and ease and pleasure. Just that, you know.
Susan: Just a small little testimonial change. Yeah, I think looking at the schedule is a huge confronting thing. And often, when I’m working with entrepreneurs and talking about the more fun I have the more money I make and having things be pleasure-based instead of willpower-based, it’s a real turnaround or 180 for so many of us.
I know me, prior to the shift that I had in my realization of, “Hey, I didn’t become a life coach so that I could just recreate nonsense that I’m bringing from my past.” And it brings me to a question I wanted to ask you, which is I’m talking a lot in this episode outside of this interview about legacy. And what do you want your grandchildren to say about you? And so, the work that you’re doing here is such legacy work. But I’m curious how you would answer that question?
Valerie: Thank you. I would want my grandchildren to say about me that I am fun. That is my greatest aspiration, Susan.
Susan: Really? I love this fricking answer, that you want your grandkids to say, “Grandma Valerie was the most fun. She was so fun.”
Valerie: You know, with my trauma healing journey is uncovering how the fun had been locked down by the patriarchy. And this is my growth itch right now, reclaiming my playfulness, reclaiming my fun that had been straightjacketed for years. And this is something that I won’t take lightly. I have become a rottweiler with my joy, with my pleasure, and with my fun. I’m like, I am not letting this go until the day I die.
Susan: Oh my gosh, and I have one final question for you, and then I want you to tell people how they can play with you. My final question is, what’s something that makes you feel rich that’s free or almost free?
Valerie: Time. I know it’s not technically – I don’t know, different ways of looking at it. But time is, yes.
Susan: Wealth and time. I love it. So, Dr. Valerie, I know you have some exciting things that people listening can take advantage of, so what’s cooking?
Valerie: Well, if this resonated with you, check out the first chapter of my book, dip your toes in, the water is warm, drvalerie.com/book. And the book resources are right there on that page, so you can start playing with practices. And thethrivingexperience.com is the event that we hold every season. And every season is a different topic on reclamation, ranging from money to the body to the relationship with the masculine and the feminine, and visibility and mission in the world, all the hot areas of reclamation from PSD for women. So, thethrivingexperience.com. You can see which one is coming up currently and join us. It’s free. It will cost you your old life. It will cost you your prison cell.
So, if you are not done decorating your prison cell, putting up nice carpets and curtains and diplomas on the wall, all good, maybe it’s not time yet. But if you are done, if you crave freedom, you crave fun, pleasure, wealth, amazing relationships, join us. Let’s overthrow the internal patriarchy together.
Susan: Oh my gosh, are you done decorating your prison cell? I need y’all to tweet that, to hashtag that, to @ that. Dr. Valerie, thank you so much for your amazing wisdom. I know that you are healing so, so many of us with this wisdom.
Valerie: Thank you so much, Susan. You are doing amazing work and I’m so grateful that you’ve included my vision into yours. Such a pleasure to be here today.
Oh hey, one more quick thing, by now, you’ve probably figured out that I’m all about taking action now; no stalling, no waiting. Procrastinating is not a thing up here in the Hyatt coaching universe. So, once you decide what your legacy is going to be, my next question for you is what are three things you can do right away before the end of this year to build your legacy? Emphasis on right away. No waiting.
For instance, let’s say you’ve decided before I die, I want to help 10,000 teenage girls to build confidence and feel unstoppable. Okay, great. If that’s your legacy, what are three things you can do right away before the end of this year to build it?
Do you need to get some additional training so that you know how to work with younger clients, with teenagers successfully? Enroll and do that. Do you want to lead a free virtual workshop for a local high school? Do that too.
Pick a few steps that you can do immediately with the resources you’ve currently got and do it. Because it’s so easy to push your legacy away into the future. It’s so easy to say, “I don’t have the funding yet. I need more time. I am not ready.” And then you push it off and push it off. And eventually, you’re really out of time because you are dead.
I know that’s incredibly blunt, but that’s the truth. It’s time to start building your legacy now with the tools and resources you’ve currently got at your disposal. There’s always a way to start now. Start simple, start small, just start. You get one life and one shot to build your legacy. Don’t miss your shot.
Thank you for listening to today’s episode. I hope this episode has inspired you to choose your legacy and start building it right now. As a coach, you’ve chosen a profession that’s all about changing lives and improving the world. You’ve got the training. You’ve got the tools. You’ve got the passion to serve others. You’ve got everything you need to build your legacy one step at a time and I’m so excited to watch you build. Have a powerful week. See you next time.
Thank you for listening to Susan Hyatt's Rich Coach Club. If you enjoyed today’s show, please head over to shyattagency.wpengine.com/cash where you'll find my brand-new money magazine. Now listen, we designed this magazine to be entertaining, educational, and help you make serious bank.
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