BARE Season Two Episode Eight

And here’s my answer:

Oof. I know how you’re feeling, because I’ve been in this exact position before. Eleven or twelve years ago, family gatherings were such a stressful time for me. All the conversations, all the relatives, all the photos, all the tempting food that I told myself I wasn’t allowed to eat… whoa. It was a lot to handle.

You asked, “How can I change my attitude about this?” Well, one way is to change the dialogue that’s happening inside your mind. Literally, change the words that you’re saying to yourself inside your head.

So, instead of asking yourself:

“Oh my god, what are people going to think about my body?

See if you can change that question to something else.

Instead, ask yourself a different question. Ask yourself:

“What is my intention for this event? How do I want to feel when I’m there? What do I want to contribute when I’m there? What’s my plan?”

You want to walk into that event with a clear plan, with a clear intention for how you’re going to spend your time.

Maybe your intention is to have one meaningful conversation with your grandma and ask to hear the story of how she met her husband. And once that’s done, and you’ve hugged a few relatives, buh-bye, you’re outta there.

Or maybe your intention is to find your favorite cousin and ask how she’s doing and really listen.

Or maybe your intention is to give a toast to honor your dad, to put the attention towards him and celebrate this milestone in his life.

When you walk into the event with a specific intention in mind, then you feel focused, you feel purposeful, you’re more likely to have a meaningful experience… instead of feeling overwhelmed and eyeing the snack table when you’re not even hungry.

You also mentioned that you’re worrying about people judging you for gaining weight. But you know what? Everyone is probably going to be too busy judging themselves! Sad, but true!

Your aunt might be worried about attending the event because she just divorced and she feels shame about that. Your uncle might feel stressed because he mismanaged his finances and his family is in big trouble and what if people find out about that? Your mom might be freaking out because she thinks she’s developing saggy skin under her neck, or she’s feeling stressed because she’s getting older and thinking about her own mortality and she doesn’t feel like she’s discovered her life purpose yet.

My point is, as human beings, we all struggle with self-criticism, we all struggle with shame and guilt, and most people are very, very busy worrying about their own drama.

In fact, most people are so busy worrying about themselves that they don’t even have time to care about the extra 10 or 50 or 100 pounds that you’ve gained. They’re obsessing about themselves, not obsessing about you, or your body.

This is kinda depressing, but also kinda sweet and hilarious too. We’re all dealing with the same emotional crap, the same shame, guilt, and perfectionism… it just expresses itself in different ways for each of us!

So, try to go into the family event with a sense of humor, and with an open heart, and who knows? Maybe you’ll wind up having some really honest, meaningful conversations with your family about what’s really been going on in their lives lately.

And look, if someone tries to pull the conversation towards your body, you can just say, “You know what? I’d rather talk about something else…” and steer the conversation elsewhere. You don’t need to apologize about your body. Your body is not an apology. I repeat: Your body is not an apology. Keep listening for the interview that comes later in this episode where we’re going to talk a LOT more about THAT.

To quickly recap what I said earlier—set an intention and make a plan before you arrive at the event, and I guarantee, you’ll have a way better time.