August 26, 2014

How to ruin your business in 90 days or less

Are you tired of running a successful business?
Sick of this whole “making money doing what I love” bullsh*t?
Trying to disappoint your clients + sabotage all of your projects, but feeling frustrated because it’s taking soooo long?
I’ve got your back!
Here are my top 10 tips on how to ruin your business in 90 days or less:
1. ALWAYS ignore projects that excite you (like writing that book you’ve been dreaming about for 5 years). Instead, focus on projects that make you feel nauseous. (Insanely complicated + sleazy marketing funnel? Perfect! Do that.)
2. ALWAYS sign up for new e-courses and business training programs, but do NOT actually attend the classes, do your homework or implement anything you’ve learned. (That’s for suckers!)
3. NEVER talk about what you do, or mention any of your professional accomplishments. ESPECIALLY not in front of a potential client. (What, do you want them to HIRE you or something?!)
4. Do NOT carve out solitary time to write, think and plan. ALWAYS make sure to have plenty of distractions and interruptions. In fact, hire someone to pester you at least once every thirty minutes.
5. Do NOT set specific goals. Just be vague and hope for the best!
6. ALWAYS spend at least five hours a day on social media. But don’t share useful links or inspiring quotes. Focus on complaining about how hard your life is, instead.

7. NEVER work out, allow yourself to get enough sleep, or eat things that grow from the earth. (We want you as ragged and exhausted as possible!)
8. ALWAYS carve out a few hours a day to see what your competitors are up to. Make sure to get really upset about the fact that they’re more famous than you. Don’t stop staring at their websites until you feel completely paralyzed. Then just copy their work.
9. Doubt yourself constantly, and NEVER do anything without consulting your life coach, your business coach, your marketing coach, your astrologer, your Tarot card reader, your mother, all of your Facebook friends, and several people who don’t work in your industry + have no idea what you do. (Who do you think you are, anyway?)
10. ALWAYS hang out with people who think that running your own business is a stupid idea, and who will frequently remind you that you’re probably going to fail. (You need a dose of reality).
Above all …
ALWAYS speak to yourself like a total bully. Cut that positive self-talk right out. (That’s the kind of behavior that leads to success + happiness, for chrissakes!)
Follow my foolproof plan, and I guarantee that ruining your business will be so much easier! You’ll be destitute and tearfully scanning online job postings in no time at all. You’re welcome.
Or, if this plan is too hard, you could always go back to joyfully building the business of your dreams, serving the people who need you, and marking a positive mark on the planet. You quitter.


P.S. Looking for ways to build your business? Keep an eye out in early September for the new, streamlined Clear Coaches.

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