July 24, 2014

How To Gain Tons Of Weight + Feel Totally Miserable … In Just Twelve Weeks, Or Less!

Tired of fitting into your favorite clothes?
 
Sick of feeling confident and sexy in your new bikini?
 
Feeling left out when your girlfriends moan about how much they hate their bodies? Want to get in on the action?
 
You can do it. I promise.
 
If you’re trying to gain weight as quickly as possible, but struggling to make it happen, here are my proven tips to help you hit your goal:
 

1. FIRST, shift your mindset. Instead of: “My body deserves to be treated with love and care,” try: “I’m stupid,” “I’m worthless” or my personal favorite, “I can always start a new lifestyle … on Monday.”
 

2. NEXT, cram your calendar with as many commitments as you possibly can, being sure to leave NO space for exercise, grocery shopping, cooking or dumb things like “sleeping.” Resentment and exhaustion = the name of the game!
 

3. ALWAYS ignore your body when it’s hungry. Drink diet soda or coffee all day long, until you’re completely starving. Then, eat until you’re so full, you’re practically in a coma!
 

4. ALWAYS choose the most processed food you can find. Avoid farmer’s markets and the produce aisle, at ALL costs. That sh*t is for hippies!
 

5. NEVER start your day without a big dose of diet pills. They’ll give you a nice, shaky jolt of energy, wreck your metabolism, and make you a raging bitch! Bonus: you’ll no longer have to waste precious time with all those annoying friends who want to “go for a walk” or “hit up the juice bar.”
 

6. DO. NOT. EXERCISE. Or, if you just can’t help yourself, exercise SO hard that you injure yourself, and have to remain immobilized for months.
 

7. DIET. DIET. DIET. 95% of people who lose weight by dieting regain the weight. Perfect! Plus, you’ll be giving lots of money to the diet industry, instead of saving for your kids’ college education or donating to a worthy charity. Who needs that crap?
 

8. ALWAYS (and I repeat: ALWAYS) suppress your emotions. Hate your job? Don’t talk about it. Unhappy in your marriage? Bottle that sh*t up. Make yourself as miserable and lonely as you possibly can, until food is your only friend!
 
Gaining unnecessary weight isn’t rocket science, but it does take dedication and effort.

Soon, you too can be one of those women who hates her body and won’t stop talking about how fat she is in front of her friends, family and kids! The kind of woman who postpones her happiness until “later,” because she’s unhappy about how she looks. Yes, you.
 
Stay focused. Millions of people have done it … and you can, too.
 

Love,
 
Susan

PS. Obviously, this is satire. If you’re tired of the hiding, the shame, ducking out of photographs, and postponing joy until “later,” please join me this evening for a free introduction to The Weight School — a place for sane, loving and permanent weight loss.

RSVP: http://theweightschool.com/

XOXO,
Susan

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